Decided to post a blog, because it’s been a while (well, that’s an understatement), and I’ve been feeling surprisingly lucid these past few weeks – and with that lucidity comes a greater capacity for introspection than I’ve been capable of for quite a while now.
I’ve been suffering from depression on-and-off for what seems like a lifetime, and whilst there have been a number of bright spots, they always seem fated to dim. Lately, however, I’ve been in a much better space, and thanks to the timing of this improvement, I was able to do something I’ve wanted to do for years now – apply for college (an Art & Design course, specifically).
Since applying, I’ve committed myself fully to art, and getting my portfolio ready, and in doing so I’ve finally found a goal. It’s made me start to think that my depression has been so persistent because I haven’t had any real goals for a while. Every time I started to feel better, I would become aware of how pointless my existence felt, and retreat back to square one – whereas now I have an actual goal, which could lead to some forward momentum in my life, and help me break out of stasis.
As I’ve been working on my portfolio, it’s reminded me how passionate I am about art – something I was almost starting to forget. It’s reached a point where even if I don’t get into the course this year, I think I’ll be able to maintain my “good vibes” simply thanks to the fact that I’ve rediscovered my primary motivator.
I’m not really sure if I’ll get in this year, to be honest. I seem to be flitting between confidence and doubt quite rapidly. I’ll make something and get a boost in confidence because I think it’s good, but then I’ll see someone else’s work and start to feel inadequate. Then, after that, I’ll see another person’s work and it’ll remind me that I don’t suck, but afterwards I’ll make a terrible piece and feel like I have no talent as a result. Not the most unique of plights, I’ll admit. Still, I’m focusing on next year as my Plan A, with this year as my Plan B – if that makes sense. That way, I won’t feel too bad if I don’t get in.
Don’t want to churn out a whole essay on this optimistic-downer subject, so I think I’ll just leave it here for tonight.
Actually feel a little tired, which, considering it isn’t 4am, is kind of strange. I have a feeling my tiredness may have made this post a little less coherent than it could’ve been, but I’ll just post it now and spell/grammar/point-check it later, to make sure it’s not terrible.
There’s a chance that this blog is an indication that more will be on the way. We’ll just have to wait and see if the mood recurs. As I write this I plan to do more, though I don’t yet know what I’ll write about. However, if I do start blogging again I predict it will be a tad different to my previous efforts.